Some Problems Aren’t Meant to Be Solved
By Dr. David Wenzel, For the Sandy Standard
I’ve lived in the Midwest for six years (Iowa and Wisconsin), the East Coast for 10 years (Maryland and North Carolina), Southern California for 14 years, and Oregon twice - first for five years and now again for 32 years. I don’t plan on moving ever again. I intend to expire in place here in Sandy.
Every place I’ve lived has its positives and negatives. I’ve experienced earthquakes in Southern California, tornadoes in the Midwest and blizzards on the East Coast. In Oregon, we are threatened by the Cascadia Subduction Zone earthquake, but in my 37 years here, I’ve experienced only a minor earthquake. We’ve had some tough winter storms, but nothing like an East Coast blizzard, with snow piled to the top of your front door and your car encased in thick ice.
Wherever you live, there are certain problems you learn to live with. In Sandy and Welches, one of ours is rain.
Average annual rainfall in southeast Portland is roughly 44 inches. As clouds move east and rise toward Mount Hood, they dump more water. Sandy averages about 55 inches a year; at my home six miles east of Sandy, it’s about 73 inches; and Welches gets roughly 86 inches.
Except for July and August, we know we may face dreary gray clouds, mist and rain — and the possibility that our outdoor plans will be affected. Rain, rain, rain is one of our perpetual problems.
So, we learn to appreciate what comes with it.
As the weather has changed over the last month — our Labor Day gathering got rained on — I’ve started moving into fall mode: a morning fire with coffee and the dogs, noticing the changing colors of our maple trees, and buying pumpkins and gourds for the porch.
I also remind myself what I love about living in Sandy and Welches. Our communities are still small enough that familiar faces are part of everyday life. We run into friends at our favorite local restaurants. We have remarkable access to the mountain. One of my adult sons and I take quarterly hikes, and excellent trails are only minutes away.
In other words, we notice the positives rather than spending all our time complaining about the rain.
As a marriage therapist, I’ve learned that marriages and families also have what are called “perpetual problems.” These are problems created by normal differences between people trying to share a life. One person isn’t bothered by clutter; the other is driven batty by it. One person makes decisions quickly; the other wants to “think things over.” One wants to attend every social event possible; the other considers a quiet evening at home nirvana. (I may or may not have chosen three examples that apply to Hollis and me.)
These differences can become sources of significant conflict because we keep trying to solve them. But perpetual problems, by definition, usually don’t get solved. They have to be managed.
The first step in a recurring conflict is asking: Is this problem solvable, or is it perpetual? If it’s perpetual, stop trying to permanently fix it — and especially stop blaming one person for causing it. It isn’t wrong to be an introvert, and it isn’t wrong to be an extrovert. Neither style is a deficit. They are legitimate differences.
The key is to look behind the difference and identify the need. The social person may feed their soul through time with friends. The introvert may feed theirs through relaxed, unpressured time at home.
When we stop blaming and become curious about the need behind our partner’s position, empathy becomes possible. And once we understand each other, compromise gets much easier. Instead of deciding whose way is right, we can work together to make room for both.
Maybe that’s the lesson of living in western Oregon. We don’t have to love every rainy day. We just have to stop expecting the rain to go away — and learn how to build a good life together in the middle of it.
Alright, it’s time for me to wrap this up. Hollis is waiting for me to make a decision.
Dave Wenzel is a longtime Sandy resident and Licensed Professional Counselor with more than 35 years of experience working with individuals, couples, and families. He and his wife, Hollis, operate River Ridge Counseling and Northwest Marriage Intensives in Sandy. His column explores relationships, family life, and the human side of everyday experiences.