The Word That Changed How I See People

When people ask me why I became a therapist, the most common answer they hear is something like, “I want to help people.” And that’s true. It’s a privilege to walk alongside someone as they work through pain, loss, or difficult seasons in life.

But there’s another side to the story that doesn’t get talked about as much: therapists are helped by their clients too.

Over the past 35 years, I’ve spent tens of thousands of hours in therapy conversations. During that time, I’ve watched people face incredibly hard things - grief, betrayal, illness, broken relationships, and unexpected life changes. Many times, I’ve walked away from those conversations thinking, I hope I would have that kind of courage if I were in their shoes.

Sometimes our struggles come from our own choices. But just as often, trouble arrives from circumstances we never saw coming.

As my career begins to wind down, I’ve found myself reflecting on some of the lessons I’ve learned from all those conversations. One of them is captured in a word many people have never heard before: sonder.

The word was coined by writer John Koenig in his Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. It describes the sudden realization that every person you see - whether it’s someone walking past you on the sidewalk, sitting in a car at a stoplight, or standing in line at the grocery store - is living a life just as complex and meaningful as your own.

Each person carries their own story. They have memories, hopes, worries, relationships, disappointments, routines, and struggles that we usually know nothing about.

Learning this word changed the way I look at people.

Our culture right now often pushes us to see others as opponents or enemies. It can feel like we’re constantly being divided into sides. But the idea of sonder reminds me that every person I encounter has a story behind them.

When someone behaves in a way that doesn’t make sense to me, it’s easy to jump to judgment. Sonder challenges me to pause and remember that behind every behavior there is a history I can’t see.

In my work as a therapist, I’ve watched friendships, families, and communities fracture over the past several years. I’ve seen the pain up close. I’ve also felt it in my own friendships and family relationships. Chances are, you’ve seen some of it in your own life too.

But sonder has helped me respond differently.

It reminds me that empathy is always possible. And empathy opens the door to understanding and kindness.

It also helps me notice something encouraging even in difficult times: there are many people quietly living out values like kindness, patience, and care for others. Those small acts help hold communities together.

So, here’s a simple challenge.

The next time you find yourself feeling frustrated with someone - maybe in traffic, at the store, online, or even in your own family - pause for a moment. Try to imagine the unseen story that person might be carrying.

Most of us are just trying to find a place where we belong. We want a group, a family, a community where we feel at home. And when people feel that those “homes” are threatened, they don’t always show up as the best version of themselves.

One of the best ways to influence others is simply to try to be the best version of ourselves.

Sometimes a single word can help us remember that.

For me, that word is sonder.

Dave Wenzel is a long-time Sandy Resident and a Licensed Professional Counselor who has spent more than 35 years as a professor and counselor, working with individuals, couples, and families. He and his wife, Hollis, operate River Ridge Counseling and Northwest Marriage Intensives located in the Sandy Business Center. In his column, he shares practical insights about relationships, family life, and the human side of everyday struggles.